I visited and reconnected with my Lola Nida and Mama Belle yesterday.
I asked Mama’s permission before I did, of course because I wasn’t sure if my reconnecting with Papa’s side of the family would hurt the case that Mama is building against Papa. It’s a long story, but it’s not about that.
Lolo Boy, Papa’s Papa, died last year. And ever since he died Lola Nida and Mama Belle, Papa’s youngest sibling, have been living by themselves in their house. Of course I knew they felt sad and lonely, but it felt awkward for me to come and see them while hiding from Papa.
This time, since I have realized I can live on my own terms outside my complicated relationship with my parents (and siblings), I have decided that I can allow myself to see the rest of the relatives my siblings and I have been avoiding because of our parents’ separation.
It felt unfair that just because my parents finally decided to end their relationship (a decision I fully support tbh) that we lost a whole set of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, too. It felt lonely that we had to figure out things all on our own at a time when we needed more support, at least emotionally.
Since neither of my parents are even supporting me anymore, honestly, the support I would get from reconnecting with other relatives wouldn’t hurt too. I trust that they love me as a grandchild/nibling even if they haven’t seen me for a long time.
Lola was crying with tears of joy when she saw me, and Mama Belle welcomed me literally with open arms as she hugged me tightly. At that moment I felt like an eight-year-old again.
They were excited to talk to me, what’s up with my life, asked about my boyfriend, my art. We talked a bit about my parents’ separation, how our family was before it. They just wanted to know how I was doing and if I’m doing alright. It was heartwarming, and I felt loved by them.
They were encouraging me to reconnect with Papa, too. They’re really worried about him. Sounds like he’s not taking the separation well, but he’s not open for therapy. He’s isolating and not making efforts to take care of himself. He doesn’t sound like he’s going out with his friends nor girlfriend anymore. I’m no psychiatrist but it sounds like he’s depressed.
I’m not entirely sure how I feel about Papa yet, but the plan is to at least be civil with him. Lola and Mama Belle expressed their excitement with my plan.
Baby steps. I got my stubbornness from my father, I think. But unlike me, he’s stuck in his old ways and doesn’t sound open for growth anymore. I wouldn’t push him. I just want to do my best to gain peace for myself and the rest of us.
I admit I still have a lot of issues to address, but that’s okay. One step at a time.
Oh I almost forgot, Lola Nida was very adamant offering me their place to stay at. “Ang dami-daming mga kwarto dito!” (“There are lots of rooms available here!” I felt excitement and hope in her voice. “Dito ka na lang, para kung ma-miss ka ng boyfriend mo edi ligaw-ligawan ka uli niya dito,” she said. (“You can stay here, and if your boyfriend misses you, he can court you again here.”
I made no promises to Lola, but I told her I would talk to my boyfriend, Ian, about it. Honestly, it didn’t sound bad. I want to feel courted, too, since Ian and I never really did a courting phase (another kinda long story, I’ll talk about it next time).
Ian didn’t seem too excited hearing the offer when I got home, though. He said it’s up to me and what I want, but he became sullen and avoidant as the night went on. He didn’t even hug me as we slept last night, which he usually does. Even this morning, I feel like he’s distancing himself already to save himself from the heartbreak when we separate.
I think he believes it’s all going to end up in a break-up for us anyway. And because of his behaviour, I’m starting to believe the same.
I asked him if he’d come visit me when I stay there with Lola and Mama Belle, and he said he would but not always. He’s not a texter either so the idea of him not wanting to see or talk to me every day saddened me.
It’s been going on a while, but I do feel like he’s just waiting for me to give up on the relationship. Give up on him. But as I told you, I’m stubborn too. Always telling him I’m not giving up on him nor our relationship. Maybe at some point I do have to.
I just want everything to work out just fine, but maybe it’s selfish to think that. I don’t know. I’m 95% confused in life, the 5% is just me being “well fuck it, I don’t think it could possibly be more fucked up than this”. And the universe be like “All I can promise is you not dying.”
Anyway, I still have a lot of excitement towards the vast possibilities in my life left of me, so I am doing my best to figure things out and make the best out of what I’m given. I know I can have an amazing life too, I just have to reach out and take it. Even now, my life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but if I look at it from another angle, I have stories to tell and a hella lot of lessons learned. If this is what acceptance of the journey feels like, then I don’t regret any of it.
Zee Ro 